Dear Tony
I’m writing with very sad news. I’m afraid that, despite strong marketing, we haven’t sold any tickets for your event at the XXXXX Festival. No, not one. Weird, eh? We hoped that when the schools came back there would be a considerable uplift in ticket sales, but this hasn’t happened. Tumbleweed. The truth is, nobody knows who you are. With the extremely tight budget we have, we can’t afford to carry events that will clearly make a loss, and possibly bring the entire festival into disrepute. So with great regret, and no little relief, we have decided to cancel.
The whole Festival team is very sorry about this, as you sound like you needed the money, and are a good lad in the pub, etc. However, we felt it better to give you a decent amount of notice so that you weren’t dreadfully inconvenienced. Can you recommend anyone more successful who might be able to fill your slot in the programme? I understand that you are in contact with Phil Earle and Andy Stanton They would do. Or, at a pinch, Philip Ardagh.
Very best wishes
XXX XXXXXX
Dear Dr McGowen,
thank you for your application for the position of Deliveroo rider. However, I am sadly afraid I must inform you that you do not meet the minimum requirements for work employment in a Deliveroo capacity. I appreciate that you have your own bike with 27 gears, and also two pumps, one attached to the frame and another somewhere in the house that you can find if you need it. I also appreciate that you have shown your fitness in the attached video in which you perform press-ups and star jumps. Seven press-ups is very impressive for someone of your age and build, irregardless of how many times you have to stop. However, the Deliveroo jackets only go up to size XXL, not your required XXXL. I wish you every success in your future plans.
Yours sincerely
XXXX XXXXX
Dear Anthea McGowan
Thank you for your application for the position of Trans Writer in Residence at Heckmondwike Community College (TWRHCC). However, I regret to inform you that by the terms of the TWRHCC endowment we need a real one, and not just someone who gets a letter from his mum saying that he’s always been more comfortable wearing a bra and knickers than vest and underpants. If I’m honest, I’m not convinced that your mum even wrote that letter. I think you just signed her name with your left hand to disguise your own writing.
I wish you every success in your job hunting.
Yours sincerely
XXXXX XXXXX
Anyway, at least I still have this.