Sales Fails

I tottered, and slumped to the ground, like a tranquillised rhino

Had a dispiriting traipse around the sales in town. I vaguely felt in need of a new Summery jacket, maybe a pair of shoes. Went to all the usual places. Couldn't find anything I liked that I could afford, or anything I could afford that I liked. And then, when I did, it seemed that something terrible had happened to the sizing - they'd clearly mislabelled 'M' as 'XXL'.

I grew sweatier and scruffier as I went, so that by the time I reached Selfridges, I had three security people (two uniformed, one plain-clothed) following me everywhere. They waited outside when I went to the loo. Hard to pee when you know you’re being, er, surveilled.

I nodded at them when I came out.

No response.

In the shoe department I saw a pair, or rather one of a pair, of not unlovely Italian hand-made boots, reduced from £495 to £149. There was no seating free, so I had to balance on one leg to try it on.

Felt very nice on the foot. Almost as if the boot were made for me. Or that my pedal extremity had evolved, through all of our vertebrate ancestors, from shrew-like scurrier to yawning ape, merely for this moment.

I asked an assistant to bring me the other from their deep shoe storage facility.

When it arrived, it was a different size, as I found out half way through trying to squeeze it on to my heat-engorged foot. I tottered, and slumped to the ground, like a tranquillised rhino. When I told the assistant about the sizing anomaly, she looked at me with her huge, lovely, indifferent eyes, shrugged and went away.

I stayed on the floor, thinking she'd eventually come back. But she never did. Shoppers walked around me, the way you do when you come across streetvomit.

In M&S I was simply staggered by how horrible everything was. Their current financial woes meant that only one store detective was available to shadow me. I nearly bought some hankies that said 'DAD' on them, reduced from £9 to £5. But you can't buy yourself something that says DAD on it, can you, when you're the DAD. It'd be like buying yourself a birthday card. So I came home with nothing. Probably for the best.